*(^@^)* PIGGY *(^@^)*

I was tidying the blog over the weekend. Terrible work I had written. Eeks! English Errors! I read and recalled and cried…Silly me!

I got to know an old friend died. I had always wanted to visit her but kept putting off the idea. Her husband wrote me an email, telling me, his feelings, his pain, and her departure…
I am so sad to read.

"I am glad to received your sharing all this while and also noticed that you are getting closer to understanding God in great love.

So sorry to inform you that my wife LMF had passed away on 24/7/08 at ICU/SGH. We were very upset as we had so much of contradiction ourselves, when your msg sharing mentioned that ‘we just don’t want to let go’. I love her so much. We had been together for more than 33yrs and is not easy to forget all those wonderful time that we had been sharing….

Hope all this doesn’t discourage you while doing your job.

Please do continue to send me all those lovely msg and pray for me to overcome all the sorrow…
God bless "

I am shocked to know. I replied what I could… I am very sad to know this…I am grievous that I never had the chance to bid this friend farewell. She had been a really good patient that had encouraged me a lot in my Nursing career. It seems like only yesterday that she was diagnosed with her illness and I was a new graduate nurse, she encouraged me that as long as I believed what I did was right, I need not fear. Soon, a friendship blossomed. I could remembered how she was waiting for my result when I went for my first driving test. My very last memory of her was that she was sad to know I was leaving Singapore for further studies and never failed to encourage me to further my studies and not to be fearful of the future, told me to get myself licensed in Australia and start my practice. She is more than wonderful, her departure did not discourage me but like other close patients who had left, that spurred me to stay on in the cancer field…

" Nile A Hao Peng You" (My Dear Friend), be at peace, your job is complete… You will be well missed by all. Your smile lies in my heart and I will always remember your words and lastly, "ni han heir hao liang" (You are still as beautiful)…

Had you ever wonder on what will life be if you had…?
Such as wondering the other half of your life? What will life be if you had not "taken" this path that you are travelling?

Last night, I was watching ‘Sliding doors’ and was trying to wait for the ‘tippsy-goggy’ sensation from the wine drinking (for my birthday) to wear off before going to bed. I know I am silly that I should rest but could not get to sleep feeling so uncomfortable. When the movie ended, I sat there in the living room, pondering alone… I questioned myself,’What will life be if I had not took the plane here? Will I be happily married? Or am I still working as a nurse in Singapore and never been as exposed to the world as I am now?’

What if I got myself hitched in the year of SARs? What if?
Hmm…

Had life always been within our manipulation? Your own destiny? Or was it like the movie? You are meant to experienced certain stuffs/events during different part of your life and just the matter of who was the person who happened to cross your path?

People enter at different stages of our lives and no matter how and what, there will always be a way of us to meet someone that is destinated to cross our paths. Hence, I am happy and thankful for those who had still remained in my life. Thank you. Thank you for enabling me to have such an exciting life, living the way I wished I could and celebrating each of my birthday!

This year, 2008, it has been a beautiful celebration….

It has been a long time since I had such a great birthday celebration. S said there are 4 parts/episodes for my Birthday and I was surprised continuously without failed during all these parts. A lovely gift that touched my heart, when  I returned to my room from bath! A sumptous dinner surrounded with great friends and my favorite food; Fish! The best of all was that I had it @ Doyles. The day ended with a cute little muffin and a small candle, with the "happy birthday song"!

The funniest thing of the day was that no one realise that I had coco powder on my nose throughout dinner at the posh dinning, and I got to know when I was in the shower… Haha…

Lastly, I was informed that the last part of my Birthday celebration is on Sunday or Mon. Hmmm…. I wonder what could it be?

Additional/ Update:
Part 4 was a really cool cake baked by M, really beautiful and I was conned by everyone at work. They told me that my manager; S is looking for me, I walked into office to tell her that I will be assisting the centre again in the coming semester and so on… S looked puzzled but I did not realise anything amissed, till M and S shouted from the NR station. I walked out from S’s office and  saw everyone standing there, singing with an adorable cake.

An icing cake of a boy, pretending to be pirate, there are books lying around, a few canon-balls by the bed, a teddy bear and a wonderful blue quit and bed-covering. All these were edible and they are too good to be ingested!

According to M, she said, boy and bear  were to wish that I can find a good man for the great love that I had been longing for. Books were to suggested that I had been reading and studying too much. Canon-balls are just decor.

It is just so lovely! I really thank S, M, L for all these!

Early this morning,
I heard a bell ringing,
Deep inside my heart
I always hear this aloud

I opened my heart,
just wanted to know what.
All I cld see is
u, u and only u

It took years for me
to realize that u are in
it took years for me
to hear that ring

But when i heard,
the rest is history
the rest is love
and the rest is my life

I feel like a kid in your arm,
always seeking your cuddle.
I feel lost in your charm,
ur voice grow sweeter than fiddle.

I cannot promise a better life for you,
but one thing i can promise,
it will be THE best life,
you have ever lived.

All I need is your love,
all i need is your support.
Stand with me, I will bring this world at your feet
Live with me, to know how much I love you.
- Bala

I happened to saw this online somewhere, along someone’s blogsite. A very lovely poetry that every girl would find this very heart-warming or filling. It just touches a lady’s heart; how a girl transformed into a woman, how a woman cope with her love and heart-before and after marriage, and how a woman remained and being in a commited relationship…

Tomorrow you may get a working woman, but you should marry with these facts as well.

Here is a girl, who is as much educated as you are; Who is earning almost as much as you do;

One, who has dreams and aspirations just as you have because she is as human as you are;

One, who has never entered the kitchen in her life, just like you or your sister haven’t, as she was busy in studies and competing in a system that gives no special concession to girls for their culinary achievements

One, who has lived and loved her parents & brothers & sisters, almost as much as you do for 20-25 years of her life;

One, who has bravely agreed to leave behind all that, her home, people who love her, to adopt your home, your family, your ways and even your family name

One, who is somehow expected to be a master-chef from day #1, while you sleep oblivious to her predicament in her new circumstances, environment and that kitchen

One, who is expected to make the tea, first thing in the morning and cook food at the end of the day, even if she is as tired as you are, maybe more, and yet never ever expected to complain; to be a servant, a cook, a mother, a wife, even if she doesn’t want to; and is learning just like you are as to what you want from her; and is clumsy and sloppy at times and knows that you won’t like it if she is too demanding, or if she learns faster than you;

One, who has her own set of friends, and that includes boys and even men at her workplace too, those, who she knows from school days and yet is willing to put all that on the back-burners to avoid your irrational jealousy, unnecessary competition and your inherent insecurities;

Yes, she can drink and dance just as well as you can, but won’t, simply because you won’t like it, even though you say otherwise;

One, who can be late from work once in a while when deadlines, just like yours, are to be met;

One, who is doing her level best and wants to make this most important relationship in her entire life a grand success, if you just help her some and trust her;

One, who just wants one thing from you, as you are the only one she knows in your entire house - your unstinted support, your sensitivities and most importantly - your understanding, or love, if you may call it.
-Bala

Given that it has been a long time, I embraced myself and told her that I am in town but leaving soon and wondered if she would like to meet me as I promised that I will keep in contact with her. I had always been a lady of my words… but you never…

She was delighted to hear from me, which I do not know if it is the truth but it is heart-warming to hear her smile on the line. I recalled that many years ago, she had mis-conceptualised me and objected us. It is really magical how she and I became close…

It is you who had allowed this, another wonderful woman who adored me… It has been a long time, had she accepted her? I hope you had also helped her to accept the pain. I may had still love you but I am in no position to care for her anymore…

I sat there and waited for her appearance. She was late, I thought she will never come. I smiled upon her arrival, I greeted her as usual and she smiled. She still appear as wonderful but had aged, I told her with a cheeky smile. I bought us breakie and sat over coffee and had a really good chat. It has been a long time and time had healed most of the pain as we chatted for a long time, we laughed…

She told me that her M-I-L is ill and had fractured her hip. It was your grandma, I thought to myself. I explained to her the consequences, with whatever your mum told me, and the rationale that why your grandma was not operated in due to her medical history. All that I had told was not confirmed unless I have her full report of the X-rays and medical history. She told me that the elderly could have CA too. I pretended I did know much about CA but your Mum is good, she remembered it is my forte. I laughed and gladly told her with all I knew.

She seek my advice on managing middle age and health. I told her what I could and explained the alternative medicine and etc. She sighed as I took a sip of the coffee…

She said it will be great if I am still around. I said moving on had enable me to know these. I cheekily asked her why didn’t she asked her? As I last heard from you that she is a nurse too. Your Mum is adorable, she said she is not as experienced as you… and I told her, no, in fact she is better as a new graduate. I trust her ability and knowledge and ability to give a much detailed education and I am getting old. Your Mum laughed and asked why I sided her? I said I have to… as I believed that she will be one of the great star tomorrow. She smiled and drank her coffee, she just disagree with me, how I could accept the pain.

I told her it is painful and still hurt but it is the only choice I had. Also told her that she needs to get used to her, as I am far away and she could not be collating all she wants to know and wait till I return. She asked if I am settling and migrating, I just nodded… I saw her sadness…

We chatted about everyone except you. Despite I miss you and wondered how you were but still I did not want to know about your matter for I feared the pain. Life had changed so much for both of us and people around us…

As I told her that I need to return soon as I am flying off in 6 hours and she needed to get to work. I walked her out of the cafe, I handed the last pack of your stuffs that I failed to deliver. She asked if you know I am handing this over? I said no, but he would understand when he see it.

She asked what is it? I explained each item to her. She asked why only now I decide to return you? I replied that it does not matter anymore, it is time to let go, for you had found happiness and these had always been giving me hope, being by me wherever I am, making me wait…

I told her that I may had still love you but clearly knows it is the past that I loved… I told her that I doubt I will settle down for the pain existed as long as it had been.

She started talking about you, as we stood outside the cafe. I listened to her and saw her aged beautiful eyes was showing pain. It was painful for me too. She questioned about XT…

Despite of the pain that still lived in our hearts. She finally got to know the destiny of XT as I unfolded the truth. I almost cried but took a deep breath and gathered myself with a smile. She cognised the fact that I still miss you, tears fall from her lovely eyes when she saw my pain and the love for you. My voice trembled again as I hold back the tears and gave her comfort. A moment in time space, where everything came to light and disappointment and sadness filled us. She told me of your change, she confide in me about your behaviours and she questioned the change…

I told her I do not know… and in fact was hurt by your change. She said she know what and who changed you and was refering to her… but I said maybe, but does it matter? It could have been someone else or some thing. She said it is the book you had read and I know what she is refering to. I told her I knew about the book, and informed how you sent me a copy and mentioned how you told me that it helped you. I told her I just skimp read it and hand over to someone. She was in disagreement. I told her if that is what you believed in and is happy, then let you be, after all you are grown enough to know…

She said it has been a long time since she hear you speak sensible and planned. She told me about your studies and your career, I said you will find better. I told her to give you space and time to ponder. She said I know you well but I said I know but I had not act in accordance.

We clearly know that we are waiting for the same person but it is clear that what is lost, is lost and it will never be the same again…

She dried her tears and understood why I rather be in pain than to ‘confide in the truthfulness’ of your feelings and my love for you. I said I am not wonder-woman but this is the best I could stayed from the pain. She started talking about how you were in the past, she said she miss that you…

I said I too had miss him but he is gone. I walked her to the bus-stop. She was telling me how you used to tell her about me and our future and the dream you wish to had was me in it. I almost cried but I bite my tongue, to hold the rolling tears and looked at her with a smile. She cried… She had really teared…

I told her not to think of the past, it is painful. I told her to see what is current and try accepting her. She said you fell ill, very ill lately and said if I am around, how I would cared… She told me she struggled to care for you and I said next time, get her to jab you or even call the ambu. I used logic to kill the emotions I had, I had flashback of those scenes and I know I miss you. She said if I am still around, maybe you will not be lost…

I said I believed in you that you are not lost, just a little downfall and all things will fall in place again. I told her I admitted pushing you too hard, I told her how one can simply live in oversea w/o educations but not in Singapore. She told me your goal but I told her that you still need the paper. She said if I am there, I could tutor your maths or nag you awake, i just smiled… I am tired, very tired of pushing you. She asked if i could write to you, to push you. I rejected but agreed when I saw her tearing face.

The bus came, we hugged and bid farewell. She told me to take care and I just nodded but my heart said,
"I will, Mother."
Like she once said, you are the daughter in law that I never had… We do not know when we will meet again. I watched her boarded the familiar bus, that I once took…

She waved at me, as the bus drove off…

I cried on my way home… The pain… When I am back, I wrote you the mail that I had promised your Mum.

Am I accident prone? Or clumpsy?

I was supposed to meet N and SH at Bugis for shopping but I ended up meeting an accident while getting ready out of the house! I kicked into something and my toe nail almost came off from its nail bed! Awwwwwww~~~ I managed to embrace pain and push the toe nail back to its bed and applied a long and strong pressure…It was a ‘SssswWEeT’ PaiN ~*(o_0)*~^   Keke…

In the midst of handling this injury, I got reminded of someone… a really close friend…

Anyway, since I got back from Aussie, I had been trying very hard to keep up with its political motions and reading papers religiously. One of days, one of the tabloids caught my attention! It is regarding a teenager jumping off from one of his secondary school buildings, which happens to be the one that I graduated from.

He was at the age of experiencing challenges in emotions, physical and mental changes. The Big O’s! (Hey, hey do not get me wrong, I am discussing about sexualities issues) O’ LEVEL!!!!

I recalled how most of us are having our brain cells challenged to a deafening speed to memorise and some suffered ‘tragic cells death’. Haha… Gone were the days…

Most of the students (around Singapore) seek death upon recieving disappointing grades, jumping off buildings and seeking other sucidal alternatives. Hence, I wondered what spur this teenager to do so? According to speculation and sources, it was reported that he was experiencing BGR relationships issues-matters of the heart.

I wondered? Is LOVe- a word for pain?
Personally, and so had many of us, had experienced harsh pain and near death, near doom, near destruction agony. Why do we put ourselves in sweetness of Love despite we know the consequences of pain?

On one of the weekends, I was with MS, accompanying her to get a trademark; something to signify her ‘1/4 century’. I just have to applaund to her great courage! In the midst of walking around to check out the designs and prices, I wondered what should I do for my 1/4 C too? Skydiving? Ski in NZ? Or? Maybe attaining Master was the big thing, huh? (’o')

I received a call from a bud, while MS was enjoying her ‘prickLing’ session. My bud asked if I am really leaving for good? Leaving the life, the world, the stuffs I loved and the years of friendships with all?

He said something that made me realised that this is a big step of change of my life! I started to tear in slience as he questioned me and verbalised his point of view on the other side of the connection. Despite of the tears continuously swamped up in my eyes and the spasmatic pain in my heart, I just broke into ‘laughter’, replying that,
‘I tried to be strong but I realised I could not…I guess this is the best I could do?’

He got what I meant and commented that he did not know that the pain still existed and ’someone’ meant so much to me. I just smiled and replied,
‘Maybe it was him, maybe was the pain, maybe it was the lovely past… Does it matters anymore?’

He just replied,
‘It matters as we love you and it hurts to see you in pain… (paused)… He is just so fortunate but he just does not know… (sighing)… and You are always that silly girl.’ We bid farewell and hanged up.

I cried… The pain was real, I did not know why there was pain and where it came from. It has been a long time. Warm tears rolled down my cheeks for the next few minutes. Was it that I cried on the word; ‘Silly girl’, a term that someone really close, used to address me and I miss that? OR was it, that my heart had loved till now?

I do not know but I know the tears was real…

Do I Ever Cross Your Mind? - Dolly Parton
Oh sometimes I go walkin’ through fields where we walked
Long ago in the sweet used to be
And the flowers still grow but they don’t smeel as sweet
As they did when you picked them for me

And when I think of you and the love we once knew
How I wish we could go back in time
Do you ever think back on old mem’ries like that
Or do I ever cross your mind

Do you ever wake up lonely in the middle of the night
Because you miss me do you darling
Oh and do your mem’ries ever take you
back into another place in time
Oh and do you ever miss the feelings and the love we shared
When you were with me do you darling
I just wonder do I cross your mind

Oh how often I wish that again
I could kiss your sweet lips like I did long ago
And how often I long for those two loving arms
That once held me so gentle and close

And when I think of you….

Grandma’s Place caught fire this evening and the PD rang us. Mum and Bro rushed to the scene, as I stayed home to watch MZ and Oreo, informing respective members of the extended family.

Fortunately, no one is hurt and Grandma was with a childhood friend of mine, when the mishap happened. It was both fortunate and relieved to know that there is not much damaged except charred walls of the kitchen and the burnt smell filled the air of the house. Time for Renovation again… Everyone got busy with their respective roles and chores for the house…

Fire, Fire, Fire!

It reminds me of- Passion? Does true love existed? Or was it fire of passion?

Passion Vs Love is the love legacy behind Taj Mahal. I questioned, the existance of love for someone, will it be as long as time existed? Was it passion that kept it going? Or was it possible, just pure love? If so, then why my passion of cook and sewing extingushed, ever since, he left…

It was a great week to start off with. Looking out from my window, most of the household in the neighbourhood are busy with Spring Cleaning. Everyone is working on their windows, washing their respective corridors and placing up all the festive decor!

Had you done your Spring Cleaning?

I had finally completed all cleaning since last week (my home) and I just returned from decorating Grandma’s place. I hope I did not over-do the house with too much ‘gordy’ stuffs and ended up looking ‘dodgy’. Haha…

I recalled all those years of getting the decor and goodies for his family, mine and Grandma’s. Thinking of the theme and so on…

I guess memories do huant you at times…

Had you put up the Decor?

Li Chun, is the first day of Spring. I remembered that last year,on this day, I have this wonderful friend who was by me. I miss those days looking at the ‘little stadium’ in his car and asking him silly questions while he is trying to focus on the traffic. Haha… I recalled how he will share his passion; lion dance matter with me. Had a little ‘incident’ with him and…

Well, I heard he is well and in the NE of the globe now. I hope he is well and warmly clothed for the snowy season. I hope he is surrounded with wonderful people for the festive.

Had you guys tried "standing" an egg today?

I failed… Mum and Sis are the only two people in the household who could do it. I guess I will need to upload the pics to prove.

Just got to know the place that I used to dine with him in Sydney was bombed last night…

and

22 days and counting down…

When was the last time that you had ever smiled/laughed from your heart?

Personally, I could not remember, as it seems to be a long time ago, and then something special happened today. Thanks to my Brother! He bought home tons of DURAINS, just for M_U_A! I miss its thick gluey flesh… I miss its strong unbreathable smell… I miss this thorny little tropician, "LUI LIAN"!!!!

While savouring, I recalled some of little favorite things of mine;
The Clear Blue Sky: how hours were spent together, enjoying serenity
The ‘Cave’: a place of existance and belonging (just us)
The ‘Scent’ of U: drifting to sense and love
The Phalanges: first connection, touch and no escape of mine in yours
The Pout: The pursing of lips with laughters and joy
Heart of joy: More than beats, more than love, it is the mini creation for the world tomorrow

and many more…

Finally, I had finished cleaning the house and scrubbing the walls. Tired ++++. It is time for sewing! While preparing for the materials, I recalled the days where I sew him; coin pouch and tissue holder and etc. The sweater is finally knitted. The pillow cases; with the design that was designed and sewn by me, laid untouched in the boxes. Memories flood as I looked through the handi-work…

I had even stopped jap and jap-western cruisine, until lately, MZ whinged that she wanted chawamushi and sushi. I realised that I missed all these stuffs that I once loved to do and had given up because of the pain. Maybe it is time, to start again…

I miss him but …

Does it matter, anymore?